Dear Bentley...

11:07:00 PM

How's heaven, little guy? Full of your favorite snacks, grass to run and play in, plus people who would play with you all day long? I bet you're having a ball there ^^.
You know me, one of your humans. The one that loves to give your treats and partly responsible to make you fat (only partly because the full responsibility lies on your human mama, Au haha) and only wants to pet and play with you right after your showers because you'd smell lovely then. The one who's in charge to apply Ellips all over your thick fur (when you still had them). You know Ellips, the little capsule you always insisted to eat even though i told you hundreds of times it's not for eating.

You probably wonder once in a while, why this human of yours often refuse to let you give her wet kisses even though you just wanted to show her that you love her. Gets angry when you try to touch her with your paws (in my defense, your nails were really long and you're always a tad too enthusiastic. It hurts!!!) and don't play with you as much as your other humans hehe.

For you to understand this, you need to hear my story out. It's all started since i was a little girl myself. My mum HATES all kinds of animals. Don't misunderstand her, she's not mean or cruel, and she's always angry when she sees people mistreated animals. But she just isn't an animal person, and that's okay. I believe it's okay not to be easily enamoured with puppy eyes and fluffy bodies as long as you don't have any intentions to hurt them, and she never does.

But her disgust with animals rubs off me, and she's especially always scared of dogs. Children mimic what their parents do so that's what i did. I grew up thinking that dogs bites (well. Some dogs do. Like that *&%#&^$% who hurt you), that they are dirty and they are scary. I was even scared of dogs half your size, can you believe it?

So i never grew up ever wanting a pet other than the occasional rabbits (ohhh, i love rabbits. I still do! But i would never get anymore rabbits since my mum threw away those two huge rabbits that we had for years and even act like dogs *LOL* because they ate all of her expensive plants *sigh*). 

When i met your other human (the tall male who wears glasses, the one who lets you out everyday, play with you, feed you, wash you and trying really hard to discipline you *although not very successfully*) and he loves animals and that kinda rubs off me (geez, now i make myself sounds very easy to influence!). Somehow i found hamsters really cute so i started having them with him-but hamsters put me off when the mothers ate their own babies' heads (i was soooo excited when the babies were born), and i stopped having them when your human mama (who was as little as Baby Boy, your littlest human) hosed down a horde of them with her cousin because they thought it was hilarious and of course, ended up killing them all. I cried my eyes out over those little bastards. Can you see how soft my heart is?
He's definitely your human papa, yeah?
Don't worry, you human mama never repeat that again. Instead, she's such an animal lover that she finds anything with four legs (or less/more) cute. She definitely has a way with them too, that no matter where we go, there will always be some stray dogs following her around. There were even two mongrels fighting over her once in Bali *LOL*. Now, i know her mum prefers the ones fighting over your human mama to be human boys!

Your human mama inherited her love for animals, especially dogs, from her own mama. I remember how her mama used to tend to our rabbit when he fell very sick until very late at night, even though he was just a rabbit (or so people say), took it to the doctor and try everything to cure him. It worked, and he miraculously got healthy again (we thought he was a goner)-only to have him thrown out by my mum sometime later *LOL* *FHL*.

Your male human, your human mama and her mama (and my BFF, you know her. You met her plenty. That skinny woman who played with you a lot) taught me to like animals too. I started finding puppies to be adorable instead of scary. But much to my BFF's chagrin, i turned out to be a cat person *LOL*. You saw me taking that little kitten from under the car and took it in to feed it and played with it, right? Were you a little jealous? I'm sorry. I thought we'd have at least 12 more years to play so what's the harm in playing with another fur cutie once in a while, right?

Anyway, i no longer dislike animals, once in a while i even had the yearning to have a puppy (a kitten actually, but my mum would never let me. The chance of me getting a puppy is at least minimal, not non-existent like kitten!) but i never follow through because i know i am not responsible enough to have one. I will get bored, i won't play with it, i will forget to feed it, i won't wash it and i certainly won't clean its poop! So i never even try to get my mum's permission to get one. (And that's the reason why i always been a little distant from you, because a lifetime of training doesn't go away easily. I keep on remembering how dogs are dirty and would always wash my hands obsessively after i touched you. That's why i don't like wet kisses or being close to you if you haven't showered for a bit)

Until one day your human mama moved back to Surabaya (in our house) to study. By then she's already used to have pet dogs with your parents and your many siblings back home. She found it hard to adjust to her new life in Surabaya, she missed your parents (i think when she first moved here you weren't born yet?) greatly and she was always miserable. She often cried herself to sleep and begged her mum to let her go back to Banjarmasin. She might not think i noticed, but i certainly did. I felt horrible for her, and i tried to cheer her up by taking her out, but she was still miserable.

Then you were born with your B litter and my hunny started asking your human grandmama (CL) if she'd let us look after one of you in Surabaya (because he loves dogs and grew up with them). I thought you guys were cute, my son also seems to want to have a pet and i thought-you can keep Au a company! She wouldn't be so miserable anymore if at least one of you's here-and better, my hunny and your human mama can take care of you so i would have the benefit of having a pet but not having to shoulder the full responsibility myself. Sounds about ideal!
With your littlest human
One day your human grandmama really sent you off with your brother Button and the new pup Clifford (your tiny brother from the next litter) to Surabaya. Clifford was bought (?) by your human mama's friend while Button was the one who's supposed to live with us (he's handicapped and we couldn't give him away, you know that. You're always looking after him). You, on the other hand, was your human grand mama's favorite. She always goes on and on about how handsome you are (YES YOU ARE) and how smart you are. 

You were supposed to live in my hunny's mum's place (the little house you stayed in for a month while we were in Korea/Jakarta. Remember? She liked you a lot too. Did you miss us when we were away? Did you wonder why we abandoned you? Coz we think about you constantly!) but for some reasons, she ended up not willing to have a dog in her place anymore. We searched high and low for a new home for you, for a new owner that would love you as much as we do-almost successfully too. I remember crying when i thought we found a new home for you, coz little guy-you've stolen my heart by then.

But then the new owner suddenly decided they didn't want you anymore (stupid pricks!) so your human grand mama decided to get Button neutered and sent back to Banjarmasin while you get to stay with us. Yay!

It wasn't even that long ago, not even a full year. But you have given us so much memories. I remember how brave you are, to a point to stupidity *LOL*. You always thought that you're the alpha male or something, and challenge every other animal on your way. Even rabbits *sigh*. You're always so friendly and loving towards humans, i wonder why you cannot stand other animals? Especially other dogs. And you always have to try to pick a fight over MUCH bigger dogs. WHY??? WHY??? I wish we could've break that habit of yours, but we couldn't. And that turned out to be fatal.

I remember taking you to yoga classes and how you'd watch us, all puzzled but quiet as a mice. #Undecided really is good with dogs, eh? She knows how to make you calm, although we couldn't. You're always so hyper around us *sigh*. I remember when i laid down too close to where you were tied, you'd lick my feet and broke my concentration because i'd began laughing.

I remember how good you are when you're washed, you'd stand there quietly with a contented look on your face. But you hated being dried, you'd always try to run away from the blower/hair dryer, and you always attack towels fiercely. I found a way to keep you quiet while you're being laid down on your back so that your human mama and my hunny can dry and comb your belly-it was by putting a piece of snack in your mouth. You're such a pig that you'd let people do anything with you as long as you get a treat.
You'd let us dress you in whatever we want too. I know most dogs won't let that!
I remember how you're always scared of car rides that i always call your hillbilly *LOL*. You're always shaking like a leaf when we take you on car rides even though we took you quite often already. You'd stand closer and closer to any human nearby, and ended up climbing and sitting on their lap. LOL. You're really hilarious.

I remember how stupid you looked when my hunny got you some bones to chew on, you tried to exit your cage carrying it between your mouth and couldn't pass because the opening was too narrow for the bones, and you kept on trying for minutes. How you'd munch on your bones and cry when you dropped them outside your cage.

I remember how you'd look at us with a longing whenever we passed by, even though we're inside the house and you're outside. I remember how you're always so excited whenever we approach your cage. I remember the way you wag your tail, and do this stance like you're going to pounce whenever you think we're letting you outside your cage.

I remember how you like to steal JS (my nephew)'s shoes and sandals that it enraged his dad. And how you kept on doing it even when my hunny smack you with the sandals to let you know that it's not okay.

I remember feeling dis-enamoured when you got a ring worm and had to get your lovely fur shaved to make sure there weren't any more ring worm on your body, you looked so skinny (i was always so insulted whenever people say you're fat! I also felt insulted when people mistaken you for a different breed *LOL*) and ugly-like a rat. Even til the end you haven't managed to grow out you cute eyebrows (that hides you dark circles that made you look like a husky) and mustache because everything happened so fast.

I haven't even had that selfie with you that i always wanted, because i thought we'd always have tomorrow. You're just a little boy, only 2 years old. You have so many years ahead of you, and i was looking forward to spend them with you. We even made a plan to take you swimming today. Yes, today. The day when you left us, forever.

I remember that wretched morning, just three days ago, when my maid knocked on my door very hard-telling us that you escaped while our driver's opening the gate and ran to that effing pitbull you always hated. WHY Bentley, why? Any other sensible dog would've run far away from the scary big dog, but you ran straight to him. What were you thinking? I know dogs are what their owners train them to be, so even though i have this burning desire to poison that dog for what he did to you, i know that the owner was the one who truly responsible for that. Who chains their guard dog outside their house, in the street that belongs to everybody? Who knows how many stray cats and dogs had been his victim? 

I also blamed my maid for letting you loose during the time when the kids are going to school and the gate's repatedly open without keeping an eye on you. I know she wanted to let you loose and de-stress, but she should've waited until later, or earlier. I also blame the driver, for realizing that you escaped, but didn't pursue you-he only told the other maid to call the maid in charge to chase after you. How stupid is that?

I also cannot stop thinking, the what ifs. What if we never ask your human grand mama to send any of you here? You'd be given/sold to someone else, and you'd probably still be here by now. What if my hunny's mum didn't bail and let you stay? You're probably still alive. What if the ex-almost new owner took you in? What if, what if, what if.

#Undecided told me i should do that, and i know she's right. Heck, i gave her the same speech when she was mourning her own fur baby, Kalista, who passed away last year (in March too!). Nothing we could've done would've changed your fate, when your number is up, it is up. What's important is, that you had a great life. A happy life. And in return, you colored ours in so many beautiful colors.

You're always so so strong. So brave. Hunny said when you got the ring worm injection, you didn't cry once. And you also didn't cry when the doctor gave you the first aid. Always so quiet, just looking with those puppy eyes. You fought so hard, i'm sure you were thinking of your human mama (and the rest of us) and that you still wanted to be with her. You were so strong that you even managed to sit and eat the first two days. We were so encouraged, i even had a blog post planned "Our Miracle Dog". LOL. 
Taken from your human mama's IG
But every battle must end, and yours ended today. I refused to see you the last two days because my heart couldn't take it (didn't i tell you i cried over hamsters?), but for some reasons i decided i had to today. Did you wait to see all of us before you go? Even your littlest human was there today :). I thought you wanted to say goodbye, and i was right.
Our last goodbye
I couldn't stand to see you so limp, so... lifeless. But i'm glad your human mama got to spend the last few hours with you. I knew you didn't want her to see you go, i heard that pet dogs never do. And you waited until she got home and settled before you leave this world. 
Just a few weeks ago i read in some blog about this beautiful myth that pets die to prevent something happening to your human family. I never heard of this myth before (and the blogger who wrote this was skeptical because they still lost a human relative a while later), but i thought it's just so beautiful. And dogs are so loyal and selfless, i wouldn't be surprised if you really did it for us. Now i finally understand why a dog's a man's best friend :)

Am i sad? Of course i am. Your human mama's face as big as the moon coz she cried so much, your male human (my hunny) kept on tearing nonstop, and i am crying a bucket as i type this. But i also know, that instead of mourning the days that could've, should've, would've-i should do the cliche and celebrate your brief, but wonderful life. 
You always made us smile and laugh, i doubt you'd want us to be sad and cry nonstop now (but let us do that for a bit, will ya?). 

We will always remember you, and we will always love you (plus i am convinced that you're now our little guardian angel!) . For now i am adamant that this house dislike animals (because no animals but rabbits last even a year in this house, for realz!) so i will not risk having anymore. My heart's so broken, i don't think i would ever want another dog around. You will always be my first and only (part, coz i only co-own you *LOL*) fur baby. 

Your human,

PS : Can you visit your human mama in her dream tonight? So she'd know you're happy now ^^.

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  1. I understand how you feel when I lost my dog 2 years ago ... Sorry to her that Ci

  2. i'm crying when I read this post :( Sorry to hear that ce .

  3. I feel you ce.. I've ever lost my dog in a terrible accident and it broken my heart into pieces T___T
    Rest in peace dear Bentley..

  4. This is so sad. I'm sorry for your loss. I think the loss of a fur baby is harder than losing a human sometimes, as animals love us so fiercely. xx

  5. I'm sorry for you lost, ce :( Ini sedih banget T.T Tau banget rasanya kehilangan hewan kesayangan kita :'( Aku pelihara macem2 hewan dari kecil soalnya dan beberapa mati...

    Duh mewek siang2 nih, selalu sedih tiap baca/nonton hewan yang mati. Sampe sekarang aja belum berani nonton Hachiko, takut mewek ga berhenti2 T.T

    May you rest in peace, Bentley x

    1. Aq dr dl ga suka piara binatang krn sedih bgt klo mrk gone :(... apalagi doggy gt life expectancy nya kan sbnrnya panjang hikhik :(