The Art of Letting Go7:49:00 PM
This is the wordy, rambling kind of entry i like to write once in a while, so if you don't like meaningless rambling you can skip this entry (NO! I'm kidding! Stay with me! Stay!!!). Oh, i should put the disclaimer on top before i mislead anyone by the title, i am not going to write a sob story about letting people go or whatever okay, thankfully so far in my life i've no reason to do so (ever, i hope). It's a lot more superficial. I'm talking about letting THINGS go. Literally. Things that one own. Not problems or whatever haha.
Why all of a sudden i was prompted to write this kind of thing? Because i feel like this year, more than ever, i seem to keep on losing things. Not only small little meaningless/worthless things too (that i can obsess about for days on end already), but things that has value, both ways-the value that you can measure by money, and the other one, that can only be measured by memories. Stuffs that i hold dear to my heart.
You might read me calling myself OCD in more than one occasions, and i've always accepted in a way that i really am suffering from that condition-in a passing way. Never really thought about it much, until today. All of a sudden, i am hit with a realization that my OCD is a lot more serious than i always believe it to be. Don't be alarmed, i'm not Monk or anywhere near that calibre. My OCD is quite mild. But when aggravated, i tend to lose days obsessing, worrying and stressing about a very simple thing.
Let's back up a little bit. Do you believe in fortune telling? Me, not so much. In fact, i hate those kind of things. So much that back when Friendster was still alive, i had a blog post (yes, i maintained a very short-lived blog there, which a lot of my friends read and praised :)!) dedicated to fortune telling and the side effects it caused me. Side effects, you say? Yes, as a daughter of a highly superstitious mother, i find it hard not to be affected by fortune telling, especially the bad ones. That's why i prefer to avoid fortune telling at all cost, more than once those stuffs had wrecked my insanity to a certain level. No, i don't believe in them, but once i heard them, only the bad ones, it'll crawl inside my brain and nests there.
Unfortunately as a Chinese (and a traditional one, at that) family, every (Chinese) New Year, we'll be presented by collective reading of our (emphasize on the bad) fortunes told by various books and spiritual gurus. You know i am a Christian, mind you, so no, i do not actively look for this kind of reading. It's just that it's splashed everywhere in the Chinese (Indonesian) community that it become more of a general knowlegde. Everybody (that's Chinese) knows it. It doesn't help that some of my family members practices Confucianism, some are Buddhist, that an even more detailed (bad) fortunes will be informed to the rest of us and we'll even have to do some ritual *like releasing birds, etc* to prevent those bad fortunes. I do those kind of things too, which i see more as a tradition than anything else, also to appease my parents.
So actually, us who were born under the Chinese year of the Pig (me in 1983, of course) didn't have too bad of a fortune this year. Every year, a few Chinese horoscope would be under the "black star" as in having a bad fortune, we call it "Chiong" (I dunno how to spell it) or bad fortune, and well... This year Piggies are a little affected by it. We're said to be prone to lose a lot of money/possession this year. Not that we're going bankrupt or whatever, it's just that we're going to spend a lot more than the other horoscopes. I was like, well, that's better than health bad fortune (where people supposedly prone to illness that particular year, even as far as losing their lives) or other bad fortunes.
I honestly never gave it much thought really, until i began losing my things. And having to spend money of stupid things (like renewing that discolored passport of hunny, that costed us 7x making a new one). And when #Undecided reminded me "It's really happening ya BB, we're really spending a lot this year" *LOL*. Oh well, i really don't mind the spending part (for a solid purpose like traveling, because we really did spend a lot on that as you can see from the amount of travel posts i did!), but i do really mind the losing part!!!
I cannot count the tiny, meaningless little things that we lost this year, it's almost like a habit already. But the most hurtful one was the tiny little diamond ring that was hunny's Valentine's Day's gift last year (if you've been following this blog for a while i'm sure you know what i'm talking about), like i've already said before-it's not the ring's price that hurts me most, but the fact that it's something really really special to me. It rarely left my finger for more than a year, and suddenly it was gone.
It was really hard losing that ring, especially for someone as obsessive as me. I lost sleep, i couldn't eat (and i jokingly said that it's a good method to force me to diet, make me lose things. SH*T i shouldn't have said that because it bit me on the back! Read on to know what i mean), i cried nonstop, i didn't feel like doing anything for days. Yes, over an effing ring that my hunny can buy me 10 within one day. If you have a special thing from someone you love, you'll know how i feel though. And if you do not have OCD, then amplified that feeling by 10. Yes, it's 10x worse for someone with obsessive compulsive tendency!
And then, a few days ago i went and compiled lots of fugly looking gold jewelries (mostly i received on our wedding day. Of course i am grateful for every gift, but most Chinese brides must be able to relate that most of the heavy, classical golden jewelries-mostly bought in Pasar Atum, are not really something that a young-ish person such as moi would wear. EVER) that i intend to sell off in exchange of one or two pretty and wearable gold jewelries (my mum threw a fit when i told her i wanna sell off my wedding gift jewelries, but latter on she agree it's a good idea as long as i use all of the money to buy gold as well).
Then i couldn't find my (other) dainty little gold ring. WTF. NOT AGAIN!!! And yes, that's another one FROM MY HUNNY (we've been together for 12 years, imagine the amount of things i got from him. Even more so after we got married, obviously). I went a little crazy. Well, maybe not as crazy as when i lost the other one, but still crazy nonetheless. It was one of the earliest jewelry gift from my hunny, a super tiny golden (not white gold) ring with the tiniest speck of diamond (we called it "Pasir Berbisik" or whispering sands because the movie with the same title came out around that time haha) that i haven't been wearing for years because it's way too small now *yes, i used to be really skinny, i have picture proofs. LOL*.
Again, it was not the price (i'm sure it's pricey for us who were just students back then, but for now i think it's not even quarter the price of the diamond ring i lost earlier-and that one was not even that expensive) but the meaning and memories that is held by the ring itself that drove me insane. I ransacked my two drawer of jewelries in the middle of the night (it was about 2.30 AM or something) like a burglar and couldn't find it. I am still gutted until today.
And again, my hunny today can buy be 10 (or 20) of those tiny little ring within one day, but that's not the problem, is it? That ring represented him, a poor university student who had to save up for months and dug through his (shallow) saving to buy me that ring. It can never be replaced. Yes, i might never wear it again (if it's not lost), but i will keep it forever because for me, it's worth the world.
Now, unlike the diamond ring (which i have come to term with the fact that it's most probably stolen...), i'm pretty sure the little ring is probably misplaced or stuck somewhere i forgot. Why? Because unlike the previous ring that i used to wear everyday *and then carelessly threw to a bowl in my walk-in closet afterward*, i kept it in a drawer for years (and yes, i look at it once in a while when i was looking for other jewelries to wear to parties), locked with a key that is always with me. It's just oh-so-frustrating that i cannot seem to find it!
To be honest, those two rings are probably the smallest gold/diamond jewelries i have but as you know, they hold the most precious memories for me. And that's killing me. I cannot stop thinking about those two rings these past few days, plus i just got my period so my mood stinks even more. I even stop writing *you must not notice it because i keep on posting anyway everyday, thanks to the hoards of drafted posts!*, and when i stop writing (not because of a fun reason, like watching too many Running Man episodes or playing too much Plant VS Zombie 2) i know it's serious *LOL*.
The past two days with me exploding over the littlest things, and sulking-brooding to an end is what made me realize the severity of my OCD. It's not so bad that it effects my life in a long run, but apparently it's worse than i initially thought it was (having to touch something a few times, counting every piece of snacks i put into my mouth, they have to be 5 or 7, or any odd numbers, etc). It's bad enough for me to lose a few days sulking and hating the world per episode.
That's why i wrote this. I am learning the art of letting go-the key of this obsessive behavior of mine stemmed from the need to always be in control *yes, control freak much?*, i HATE it when things doesn't go my way (not being able to find something is definitely the ultimate way of losing control), and not being able to let anything go (that's why i'm a hoarder, i guess). Letting go is the one thing that is almost impossible for someone obsessive like me. But i am trying. I will dust off myself, get myself up and do stuffs. I started by writing this. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, and i do feel better already.
I am writing this to remind myself whenever i go spiraling down again, that it's never the thing that hold the memories, it's your heart. It's never the thing that is more special, but the people that gave it to me. And not to be stuck to the things that is lost, because memories can never be lost. Everyday is an opportunity to make a new one, and i shouldn't dwell on the past that is never gone anyway, since i hold them all dear in my heart.
I am writing this to remind myself, to be grateful of what i have, for the world sees people that are dying for a morsel of my fortune. To not be attached to worldly things, since i cannot bring them with me on my dying day. To not be down over one or two little things lost, because i have so many to be thankful for. To not lost more days crying over things that might or might not come back to me, but spend them laughing with people that gave them to me.
I am learning to let things go. It's not easy, it's constantly on my mind. But i am trying.
And i need to store and keep my things better, obviously.
And i need to store and keep my things better, obviously.
PS : Even though i am still learning to be able to let things go, i already am able to enjoy the art of giving. Including giving back to my dear readers, in form of a giveaway of course. You could be the lucky one and win the gifts i have especially prepared for you, so hurry and join it while there are still a lot of time!