Why Tomorrow? Why not Now?

4:00:00 PM

My dad is the 3rd child of 4 siblings. He was born in Semarang, but migrated to Surabaya during his youth, married my mom and raised our family here... Being far from his hometown, he grew apart from his family. Until a few months ago when his mother got ill, we hauled our asses to Semarang to see my grandma...

It was quite a gathering, that time... I saw uncles, aunts, cousins, and relatives that I haven't seen for years and years... It was bitter sweet for it was great to see everyone, but at the same time, my grandma was fighting a losing battle. She was super happy though, kept saying how she wanted everyone to get together, and that finally everybody was there to be with her... It was bitter sweet for it was great to see her happy, but in our hearts we knew that it was her proper sendoff, her final goodbyes, or so did the doctors say...

After 3 days in Semarang, I had to go back to Surabaya because work was waiting and I only could take one day off. I still remember what she said when I said goodbye, she said, "What time is your flight?" I said seven pm, then she asked, "What time is it now? You should hurry, you don't wanna be late for your flight!". And I remember chuckling between tears... My grandma... At 82, she was still the same punctual person she was... I said, "be good, Grams, be good and I'll see you when I see you, okay?"... That was the last words I ever said to her for the doctors were right, few days after, she passed away...

We had another gathering, more people came this time for her wake... My brother among which. When we finally got to the funeral home, he cried in front of her. Possibly regretting why he didn't come when she was still alive, I dunno... but seeing him cry and fighting back my own tears, my own regret hit me... Why did I wait until she was very sick to make time for her? Why didn't I make time for her when she was healthy? Why didn't I come visit more often? And then it was impossible to fight the tears... I wept, whispered my silent apologies, and cried some more because it was just too late... 

Those days also marked the first time I met one of my father's brothers, my uncle. Yes, you read that right. I'm 31 year old, and only met him a few months ago. Little did I know, it was both the first and last...

Last Friday night, I was with Ellis (my Golden Retriever) in her room when hubby yelled out my name, and said, "your sister BBMed me, she said you didn't check your BBM. Pek Le (that's how I called my uncle) passed away today..."

And I was like, wtf, I just saw him a few months ago. And now he's gone. Just like that...

*sobs*

"Time" is a funny concept... But the concept of "tomorrow" is funnier. It tricks you to make believe that you have all the time in the world. You know that saying: "There's always tomorrow", right? It sways you and makes you forget the importance of NOW. It makes you think that there's ALWAYS another day. But these two deaths in a very short period of time is a very sad wake up call... and it has forced me to think differently, for really, it's never about tomorrow, it has to be about now.

IT HAS TO BE ABOUT NOW. IT HAS TO.
 
So obviously, I'm deeply sadden by this, but I also learned a very valuable lesson: make time for  family, for your friends, for your loved ones, now. Money is important, but when your grandma is terminally sick, there's no money in the whole wide world that would buy you time to take her to that holiday in Bali she wanted. You can always say, "I will visit you soon, grams, as soon as my project is done, as soon as my boss gives me day offs", and all that man-made excuses, but when the now is expiring, when tomorrow is no longer present for someone, when it's just too too late, what would you do?

You'd regret it like me, that's what...

I hope reading this will also make you realize what's important now. I wanted to write it more beautifully (as an homage to both Oma and Pek Le), but I can't really edit it all that much... It's difficult to see past the tears, you know...

So, thank you for reading it to the end.

Oma and Pek Le, you are terribly missed. Until I see you again.

Love,
#Undecided 

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