Pink and Undecided: mother daughter relationship

Hello Zoe!

Hi everybody, look who’s back!!

Gotta hand it to me for finding the most narcissistic opening, right… LOL.

So… ICYMI, I got preggers, got lazier than usual (to write among other things), gotten into labor (very dramatic one no less – had to go into emergency c-sect without any mental preparation FML), blessed with a very healthy 50cm 3kg baby girl which led me to today: writing about motherhood from the simple mind of an #Undecided.

Okay I still got it. LOL.

So, I’m opening my monologue by ~~reminding you~~ saying that I love my daughter. In love. Smitten. Weak in the knee sort of thing that I never knew I could feel for a helpless wriggly little baby. But she’s so darn adorable, my heart can’t take it!

See!!

Awwww #biasedmama

Please remember this as you read along.

Okay, everyone that knows me IRL knows that motherhood is not something that you will find highlighted on my CV. I have gone by the first 30 years of my life believing that it was going to be a challenge – which I would ace because I’m basically awesome like that LOL – but a challenge nonetheless. And the prospect of having a baby wasn’t something that excited me. Not in a tiny bit.

So I always thought to myself that I was content. I had hubby and my 3 fur babies. I was happy. I didn’t need to procreate, to have an offspring, to breastfeed an infant to truly feel like a grown ass woman. I didn’t need the distractions – my goodness there was a time when I associated a baby with distractions – to my already full life. Not that I was against motherhood, but more like, if it didn’t happen to me, I wouldn’t mind.

But then I got pregnant. LOL. Life shocks you like that sometimes...

And staying true to myself, I wasn’t excited. Excuse me, but there wasn’t a happy high-pitched squeal announcing my pregnancy to hubby or whatever. I did the testpack myself one morning when he was still asleep. Got 2 red lines. Cursed a bit I’m sure!!! LOL. Left the testpack lying on a table expecting him to see it when he woke up. Went to see my dogs. Told Onkas that I was preggers and asked him to be careful with my tummy (my 60kg Rottweiler thinks he’s a lap dog, bless him). Got back to the apartment to find hubby still sound asleep. Woke him up to show him the testpack, and a sleepy hubby didn’t show excitement. Can’t fault him. I wasn’t excited myself.

I’m saying all of this to show you that I was that kind of person, you know… the person that society frowns upon. The reality is I’m not alone. There are LOADS of other women out there exactly like me. That – when reading this – will nod and somehow relieved that she isn’t the only one. Well let me tell you this: there’s NOTHING wrong with feeling the way I felt. To each their own. And if your family or friends or peers don’t understand – I do. Screw all the judgmental remarks, the snide quips, the blatantly rude comments people (*cough* self righteous moms *cough*) throw our ways. And why is that?

Because when the time comes and that baby is in your arms, you’ll instantly love them anyways. I guarantee that (unless you’re mentally damaged, I can’t speak for you, sorry).

You know, all my life I was led to believe (or probably taught by the way I was raised and/or society) that one needs to earn love. Like, ask me and I’ll give you a list as to why I love hubby. He has earned it from me. I didn't believe in love at the first sight. Savage Garden was trippy when they wrote their I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You song. But Zoe, she didn’t have to earn my love, she had me at hello. I was in love the second I heard her cry... Strapped to the operating table and highly drugged, all I wanted was to see her and put a face to the little wormy that had been kicking me for the past few months from the inside. And just like what happens in those sappy movies, I cried a happy tear (then fussing over how I was gonna wipe my face! There were docs and nurses, mind you, I was embarrassed LOL).

Motherhood is weird like that you know…but to say that it's not fun wouldn't be fair. Weird and fun. Scary and exciting. Two polar opposites. But the excitement from looking at Zoe's smiles trumps all the hours of breastfeeding in the night, I must say! So dare I say that it's worth it? Sure! LOL.

And to think I was about to deprive myself from the presence of a baby... *shakes head*

Anyway, a few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend, she’s exactly like me. We’re selfish bitches. LOL. And if she’s reading this, I’m gonna repeat what I said, if it does happen to you, I’m only a whatsapp away and you’ll be okay. If I can do it, so can you *grin*

Leaving you with a very sassy looking Zoe

and a part of my thigh hahaha :D

Toodles,

Mama #Undecided

PS: follow me on Instagram (I'm @paulinenugraha) for more pictures of #ZoeK

3:00:00 PM
7 Comments

Underappreciated

heart to heart

Hi...

It's been a while since i pour my heart out in this blog, when i write not to tell you about the exciting things that i do, nice places that i go to, or products that i've used but just to spill out things that's been bothering me. Not because i don't want to, but i tend to do this only when i'm troubled (which thankfully with my kind of personality, doesn't happen super often) and i've always been just happy lately so there's really nothing to rant about *LOL*. It's not like i'm facing a big problem or anything too, my life's too simple for big problems (thank God), it's just that i guess i'm pretty sensitive especially around my period so small stuffs seems to be so big around this period of time hahaha.

How i am feeling right now...

I don't know if you noticed (but if you've been following this blog for awhile then you should already sensed it) but i am a perfectionist. I am not ambitious, but being a not-very-ambitious person doesn't mean that you cannot be a perfectionist. Whenever i choose to do something, i never quit (except maybe trying to reach the waterfall at Sempu Island, i definitely gave up! No slippery, muddy wetlands for me please!)-and this trait of mine also leads me to another one : being a people pleaser (if you cannot see the connection, lemme explain it to you : being a perfectionist makes me want to be perfect in everything that i do, including wanting to make people see me as well, almost perfect since nobody's perfect. I hate myself when i'm being a total cliche).

Don't get me wrong, i am not a pushover! You talk to me once and you'd probably guess right away that i am a no nonsense kind of person (except if you're like, really old. Then i'd be a lot nicer because i am polite) and i don't take crap from most people-except the people that i love. In fact, i probably take TOO much crap from people that i do love (i can see #Undecided nodding vigorously while reading this sentence).

If you read my previous post, i already mentioned that i've been feeling quite down and angry but didn't want to elaborate because i wasn't ready to deal with whatever reaction i might be getting (you know, cyber world is full of annoying, judgemental, self-righteous kind of people), but i am now. I feel like this blog is where i can truly be myself (except around my hunny or BFF, people who really accepts me with all of my flaws instead on criticizing them endlessly) and perhaps there are other people out there that feels the same but too afraid to voice out their feeling because of the previous reason i just gave you.

So i've just been feeling severely underappreciated lately and mainly by my mum. I think this is a very sensitive topic and some people might feel the urge to attack me ("You're lucky to still have a mum!!!" "You're such a spoilt bitch!!!" "Stop whining about your non-existent problems!!!"), and if you do-i'm going to ask you politely to stop reading this (and riling yourself on the process) and leave immediately. I'll wait.

...............

Done? Everybody who's still staying all good with the topic i'm about to delve into and won't get offended? Good. Now we can continue.

First let me explain this. I LOVE my mum. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my mum so much, she's the top 4 people that is the most important ones in my life (except my Baby Boy, hunny and dad, of course). And also, don't get me wrong. She's NOT a bad mother. In fact she's the most caring, loving, mother hen type of mother. But there's always the other side of the coin in everything right? Everything that's good about her can suffocate me, her paranoia, obsessive personality (which i definitely inherited) and needs to control everything (again, which i also inherited).

Now, when i say i feel like i'm severely underappreciated, doesn't mean that she doesn't love me. She loves me FIERCELY, and strongly-better than anyone can ever love me (that's something only you can fully appreciate once you're become a mother as well). It also doesn't mean that we don't get along. Mind you, we talk like the best of friends, we go out holding hands and have fun, gossiping is always on the agenda, and i'm always the first person she seeks whenever she has something to tell about.

It's just once in a while, whenever the mood struck (I'd blame it on PMS but she's gone through menopause years ago)-she'd become totally impossible to deal with. It's really frustrating and i always ended up yelling (coz she's yelling at me) and most of the time, in tears.

Now, like i said earlier, i am a total people-pleaser around people that i do love, and i always, always try to do whatever makes her happy. Follow whatever she wants me to do. But there's always a limit, right? Sometimes when the demands became too ridiculous and unfair, i rebel. And she doesn't react well to rebellions.

I am the baby of the family (as in i am the youngest among my siblings) and those of you who're in the same position as me would know, that the title doesn't go away once you're totally grown up and have children of your own. Your family would still have some sort of expectation on your behavior, but at the same time would condemn you for being immature and childish. This kind of double expectations is one of the hardest things every babies in the family must face.

It's like at one incident they would expect you to be all grown up and take care of yourself (which you should totally do, being an adult and all), but at the same time they still expect you to follow whatever orders they give out because "They know better" and "You're stupid if you're not following what i told you to do". And it can be exhausting, you know?

Whatever i do, it's never going to be enough for my mum. I am always short of something. Even when she asked me to do something and i already agreed to it, it'll lead to more and more ridiculous things-to which i would finally say no and she's be super angry at me. Don't tell me to talk to her rationally too, believe me i tried. But whenever i said no to something and she got very upset, she'd shooed me away by saying "WHATEVER!!! WHATEVER!!!! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!".

And this doesn't just happens once but over and over again. Basically whenever i try to do something against her wish. Trust me, it's not something evil either. I give you an example : she asked me to pull Baby Boy out of school from 21st of July until his Idul Fitri holiday starts (because she's so paranoid about the election result, and lemme just add this "Yayyy!!!! Jokowi wins!!!!"), of course i argued because not only it's ridiculous (Baby Boy's school's essentially just on a different block than out home! It's literally 2 minutes by car and it's inside a secure real estate area), i am also worried about him lagging behind in school, which would only bring trouble to him-and to me because then she'd start complaining that he needs more extra lessons (FYI, his schedule's full of extra lessons starting August, from Monday to Friday nonstop).

This alone already made her super annoyed at me (the "whatever whatever, you deal with it if anything happens" already came out) so i guess when i argued about other things (like how she's making her employees super lazy and money crazy) tipped her over the edge and now (like always), she's giving me a silent treatment.

Do you know how that makes me feel? This sentence sums it up perfectly :

I don't know if you know (if you're a new reader then you might not), but we live with my parents. Not because we cannot afford our own place (mind you), but because the house we're living in is MASSIVE. It's HUGE and if i leave, then my not-so-young already parents would be living alone in this mansion-like house (okay, with a horde of maids. But still). Our room is located on second floor (with a size that's bigger than most local apartments *LOL*) so mainly we have our own space, but it's always different when you have to live with other people right? I am lucky to have such an easy going, never take anything to heart (coz my parents love to scold him) and always there to support me no matter what kind of husband, i'm not sure other guys (who actually have choices) would've put up with that!

So yeah, we're always around whenever they need us. We'd do whatever they want us to do (run errands like going to the ATM and stuffs, sometimes in the middle of the night *___*) and i don't actually mind. I just want to be appreciated a little bit more, you know? (Please don't say "Just move out then!". It's not something that i can easily do. Something only a very tight-knit Asian family can do *sigh*. In a way i've been tasked to look after them, if that makes more sense to you)

Sometimes i watch how she tiptoes around her other kids, watching their feelings, holding back her words and sometimes, i just wish she'd give us the same treatment as she gives them. I hope none of my siblings reads this (or understand what i'm talking about because their English are terrible LOLOLOL) coz they would've definitely take it to heart and be offended *sigh*. Sometimes it's so tiring to be a part of such a traditional, old way thinking, stiff Asian family when i have such a different way of thinking as they are, you know?

And yes, i know. She's behaving like that is probably a testament of how comfortable she is around us that she feels that she doesn't need to filter anything she says or do. That it's because we're the closest. Knowing that doesn't mean it hurts any less though.

I just want her to stop complaining about everything i and my hunny did for a second, and actually be happy with us. It's always one thing after another and it's often that she takes out her anger (which is supposedly only directed to one person) to us and it's super frustrating. If your maid is making you angry, we shouldn't be the ones that suffer from that. If going on a trip (especially with planes) stresses you out, we shouldn't be the ones that you pick a fight with.

For once, if you really want me to act my age (on contrary of what most people thinks, i am NOT as childish and immature as they think i am. Not in my demeanor or taste because i am bubbly, animated and cannot be serious for a second-not to mention my penchant for anything pink and kawaii which probably would never change even if i'm 90 and wrinkly. I might want a baby pink coffin... Anyway, the real me is actually a lot more mature than most people i know. I am rational and a problem solver kind of person-i just am too goofy to show that side of me too often) then please treat me like what i am. An adult. Don't throw tantrums and yell at me (then give me a silent treatment for weeks) just because i happen to have an opinion, one that is not the same with yours!

Please please please, stop making me feel like i never do anything right. Please stop making me feel like i'm a useless person, the most unfilial kid, please just... appreciate me. I'm trying so hard to make you happy. I hope you can see that.

That's pretty much all i wanted to say, but you know... Again with the stiff Asian family thing, if i ever try to tell this to anyone in my family i would most probably got scolded and looked down at (some of my siblings have the tendency to argue with whatever i say and condemn me for being wrong no matter what i do, so i prefer to clown around and just be silly around them to avoid that, hence the "she never grew up" label pasted on me).

Sigh. I am vowing to change this within my own family. I want to be a mother that can stop and listen to my child, even when i'm really angry. Blood is thicker than water, all of those traits she got, i have them in me. I must work extra hard to overcome this and hopefully, not become a better mother than her (coz i can't ever ask for a better mother, probably a slightly more understanding one), but one that is willing to listen.

As usual, i have no other intention to write this but just to share how i am feeling and hopefully helping others out there that might be feeling guilty and suffering in silence because they're feeling what i am feeling-i hope you feel better when you realize that you're not alone. It's really never wrong to have any kind of feelings you know, no matter what the society tell you to or not to do. Angst driven teenagers are not the only ones that are supposed to have certain resentment on the way their families treat them, adults can feel it too and it's normal.

Thanks for reading and not judging,

How's your relationship with your own mum? Is there anything that you've always wanted to tell her but you can't because of one thing or another? Share your story with me :).

#Pink