Dear Zoe: #WorkingMamaWoes

Dear Zoe,

Mama's typing this while you're finally sleeping soundly next to me.

You weren't so serene a few minutes ago though, yelling for your nanny. Mama tried everything to calm you down, from singing your favorite Twinkle Twinkle Zoe Star to carrying you around, but you just weren't having it. Then when nanny showed up and finally hold you, you stopped crying wtf. 

If mama were to be 100% honest, I felt a bit jealous, bunny... I'm supposed to be your mama, the person you go to when you're feeling uncomfortable. At least I think I used to be. I used to be the one that would always be able to stop your crying. But already, this was the 2nd time you didn't want me *sigh*.

The first time you got angry at me, everybody found it hilarious. You wanted to nurse, but according to the nanny you just finished a bottle of formula, so I didn't oblige and instead carried you downstairs to say night night to papa. You got so angry, you didn't even want to look at me LOL. You wanted papa and eventually nanny carried you around until you're fast asleep. Yes bunny, it was funny at first to see you swat my hand when I tried caressing your arm. It was funny when I asked if you want mama and you just shook your head (hey, you're only 3 month old, did you really know what I meant?!) and buried it on your nanny's chest. But bunny, when you didn't want mama just now, I felt sad and rejected. And jealous. But mostly sad.

I'm sorry that I'm not always around. I know that's why you wanted nanny and not mama. You get so used to her, does mama feel like a stranger to you? I promise you, when I am around, I try to be 100% present, but mostly mama's also tired from work. I know the nanny only wants what's best for you, but I will always love her less for carrying you around so much it makes it difficult for you to doze off on your own. I don't think I know your preference anymore so even if I carry you around you still find it wrong. I'm sorry, bunny, I truly am. 

One day though, I hope you understand that what I do now is out of love. Mama only wants what's best for you. And sadly bunny, in this world, nothing is free especially the best ones... One day you'll understand...

Like your fave horsie, mama got a mini heart attack yesterday learning that it actually costs IDR 500k something. You're lucky mama's friend bought it for you, else you wouldn't have one, okay #cheapmama #toysaresodarnexpensive

Until then, Mama can only try to be there as much as time allows for you. Don't you see that I hardly play with the dogs anymore? I sneak out on weekends when you're still asleep to walk them, but I hardly walk them at nights now. I love Jerome, Ellis, Onkas, but apparently I love you most :) Grow up quickly, bunny, so all of us can walk together, okay.

Be patient with mama, baby... Mama's trying her best. 

Remember this, bun? This was when we finally managed to get you burped. Together, we're awesome. Don't you ever forget that!

Love,
Mama #Undecided