Hello Zoe!

Hi everybody, look who’s back!!

Gotta hand it to me for finding the most narcissistic opening, right… LOL.

So… ICYMI, I got preggers, got lazier than usual (to write among other things), gotten into labor (very dramatic one no less – had to go into emergency c-sect without any mental preparation FML), blessed with a very healthy 50cm 3kg baby girl which led me to today: writing about motherhood from the simple mind of an #Undecided.

Okay I still got it. LOL.

So, I’m opening my monologue by reminding you saying that I love my daughter. In love. Smitten. Weak in the knee sort of thing that I never knew I could feel for a helpless wriggly little baby. But she’s so darn adorable, my heart can’t take it! 

See!!

Awwww #biasedmama

Please remember this as you read along.

Okay, everyone that knows me IRL knows that motherhood is not something that you will find highlighted on my CV. I have gone by the first 30 years of my life believing that it was going to be a challenge – which I would ace because I’m basically awesome like that LOL – but a challenge nonetheless. And the prospect of having a baby wasn’t something that excited me. Not in a tiny bit.

So I always thought to myself that I was content. I had hubby and my 3 fur babies. I was happy. I didn’t need to procreate, to have an offspring, to breastfeed an infant to truly feel like a grown ass woman. I didn’t need the distractions – my goodness there was a time when I associated a baby with distractions – to my already full life. Not that I was against motherhood, but more like, if it didn’t happen to me, I wouldn’t mind.

But then I got pregnant. LOL. Life shocks you like that sometimes...

And staying true to myself, I wasn’t excited. Excuse me, but there wasn’t a happy high-pitched squeal announcing my pregnancy to hubby or whatever. I did the testpack myself one morning when he was still asleep. Got 2 red lines. Cursed a bit I’m sure!!! LOL. Left the testpack lying on a table expecting him to see it when he woke up. Went to see my dogs. Told Onkas that I was preggers and asked him to be careful with my tummy (my 60kg Rottweiler thinks he’s a lap dog, bless him). Got back to the apartment to find hubby still sound asleep. Woke him up to show him the testpack, and a sleepy hubby didn’t show excitement. Can’t fault him. I wasn’t excited myself.

I’m saying all of this to show you that I was that kind of person, you know… the person that society frowns upon. The reality is I’m not alone. There are LOADS of other women out there exactly like me. That – when reading this – will nod and somehow relieved that she isn’t the only one. Well let me tell you this: there’s NOTHING wrong with feeling the way I felt. To each their own. And if your family or friends or peers don’t understand – I do. Screw all the judgmental remarks, the snide quips, the blatantly rude comments people (*cough* self righteous moms *cough*) throw our ways. And why is that? 

Because when the time comes and that baby is in your arms, you’ll instantly love them anyways. I guarantee that (unless you’re mentally damaged, I can’t speak for you, sorry).

You know, all my life I was led to believe (or probably taught by the way I was raised and/or society) that one needs to earn love. Like, ask me and I’ll give you a list as to why I love hubby. He has earned it from me. I didn't believe in love at the first sight. Savage Garden was trippy when they wrote their I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You song. But Zoe, she didn’t have to earn my love, she had me at hello. I was in love the second I heard her cry... Strapped to the operating table and highly drugged, all I wanted was to see her and put a face to the little wormy that had been kicking me for the past few months from the inside. And just like what happens in those sappy movies, I cried a happy tear (then fussing over how I was gonna wipe my face! There were docs and nurses, mind you, I was embarrassed LOL).

Motherhood is weird like that you know…but to say that it's not fun wouldn't be fair. Weird and fun. Scary and exciting. Two polar opposites. But the excitement from looking at Zoe's smiles trumps all the hours of breastfeeding in the night, I must say! So dare I say that it's worth it? Sure! LOL. 

And to think I was about to deprive myself from the presence of a baby... *shakes head*

Anyway, a few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend, she’s exactly like me. We’re selfish bitches. LOL. And if she’s reading this, I’m gonna repeat what I said, if it does happen to you, I’m only a whatsapp away and you’ll be okay. If I can do it, so can you *grin*

Leaving you with a very sassy looking Zoe

and a part of my thigh hahaha :D

Toodles,

Mama #Undecided

PS: follow me on Instagram (I'm @paulinenugraha) for more pictures of #ZoeK