Don't You Know That You're Toxic?

Hi world...

No make up review, outfit post, holiday story or hang out place/haul to be shown today, it's time for a little heart to heart. I've been meaning to write about this for a very long time, but because of one or more reasons (mostly because this kind of posts force me to dig deep and face my insecurities, making it a lot harder to write than the superficial, fun stories. It's draining and healing at the same time) i kept on postponing it, shoving it to the bottom of must-blog list (yes, i have a list for that. I have lists for everything). After getting very supportive feed backs in my Mummy Guilt post, i am determined to write more of these more personal, meaningful (for me, at least) posts, but yes... It took longer than i initially intended >.<.

This post is dedicated to toxic people out there *LOL*.

 

I am not going to talk about every toxic people of course, there are so many different types of them i will write until eternity if i do that. This toxic kind of people i am targeting in this post is the kind that i personally encounter, plenty of times. The kind of people who like to point out your flaws (or what they perceive as your flaws) and go on and on about them, especially in public. Those that loveeee to make you feel bad about yourself, and that's the only way they know to make THEM feel better about themselves. 

Now, i am not like, super sensitive or whatever. I AM sensitive about certain things, but for other things-i couldn't care less about what people think/say. I'm so nonchalant about most things that it pissed my sister off (who cares about nothing more than her image/appearance/the way people sees her/family), she thinks it's a bad trait but for me, it is a strong point. My devil-may-care approach about people's politics and games is what makes me who i am, this profoundly happy (but utterly bitchy and opinionated) person. I don't understand people who are so eager to please and base their happiness in others-not me. I am happy first, therefore i can make other people happy being around me (since i am always so happy, geddit?).

But yes, i am overly sensitive about some things. I think everybody in this world has insecurities, and i am human being-i have plenty of them. One of them is my weight. This is not the post where i go on and on about weight and body image (i am planning another post just for that), but let me point this out (that should be obvious already) : i am not a skinny girl. Nor that i am obese or scarily overweight (other than health problems, why should it be an issue anyway???), i am big for an Asian girl (always been. Even when i was super skinny people still said i was big) but definitely average for Western size (actually i fit into "Petite" sizes in Western clothing). I used to be very fat as a kid, i am nowhere near skinny now but i am in a very healthy weight category (as in my BMI is ideal. Not model ideal! Health wise).

Now that i let out the (not really) big cat out of the bag, onto the toxic people i was talking about. If you're a young Asian woman, moderately good looking, have a good life and generally successful, i bet you know at least one older woman (usually a friend of your mother) who has a daughter (s) +- 10 years around your age (or if she's one of those narcissistic older women who cannot comprehend that she is aging therefore forever feeling some kind of competition with every young women out there) who always, ALWAYS criticize you (especially your appearance) whenever she sees you. Ring a bell? I BET!


My mum has PLENTY of those kind of irritating friends but there's one woman who i am now (sadly) related (FML, WTF) by marriage who's the evil queen of all bitches (not in a good way) *LOL*. No, i am NOT kidding! People around her refer to her as "Mak Lampir" (a crazy old woman witch in local folklore) or a crazy lady (in her defense-i strongly believe she has a mental disorders or two for real. Bipolar, most probably). That includes her sons-in-laws, i rest my case. 


I always try to stay clear of her path since she seems to take a dislike to me the first time she ever casts her eyes on me (reference to earlier lines : she has TWO daughters, 4 and 2 years older than me respectively). She first met he 10 years ago, and i weigh around 5-6 kgs lighter than now (my skinniest weight ever, and i was REALLY skinny. I have picture proofs if you don't believe me LOL) and her first comment was "Oh, so this is #Pink (hoh, i am definitely a famous subject, am i?)! Big girl, eh?". LOL, polite, very polite right?

Obviously, my first impression of her was very bad *WTF*, fed with amazing stories about how big of a crazy bitch she is from those who knows her, that's enough to make me never ever want to meet her again. Sadly, that's not possible. As i am somewhat related to her family now (yes, like i said. By marriage. I am totally blaming hunny for this shit *LOL*, thank God she's not related by blood to his family!!!) i HAD to meet her a few more times (just a handful of times in the span of 10 years, really), it's just not a choice.


Life hasn't been kind to her actually, when she first met me she was this rich and (in her twisted mind) powerful person who looked down on me (possibly because she didn't know what kind of family i came from back then) like i was an ant. Then she lost pretty much everything (material things, let's not get dramatic here), and weirdly that made her half as a bitch as she used to be, but not any less venomous. Oh no, now instead of being a blatant bitch, she makes backhanded compliments and put on a sweet face before tearing you down, that's even more scary, no???


Remember i told you once i have a semi-photographic memory? Not only it served me well in school (where i never had to study hard to remember things, but it certainly didn't help me with numbers!), it also make unpleasant memories imprinted in my mind with no hope of ever erasing it. That's is so why i am such an obsessive person. When people say something bad and hurtful to me, the words keep on playing over and over again in my head. Does it explain to you why i am such a moody person despite the fact that i am HAPPY 99% of the time?


Anyway, on my other encounters with her she gave me backhanded compliments, like how she likes my dress and if i had it made? I told her no Aunty, this dress' super cheap, i got it online (you know most of my party dresses are under IDR 150.000 and bought in those PO online shops). She went "Really???? They have clothes in your size???". WTF. LOL.

Now, it is a misconception for most people that i wear huge size clothing since i am a very wide-shouldered person (people often mistaken me as a swimmer when i couldn't even swim before i was 20 hahaha. I am somewhat built quite stocky and sturdy like a swimmer as well FML), you need to see me sideways. I have no boobies and and booties, and my tummy's flat like an iron board on normal days (i bloat during PMS). And yes, it might be f**king impossible to believe, but i do wear M size in most brands and i do fit into most all size clothing (it is so pathetic that i have to keep on explaining this. Down right sad. It seems like something that is so hard for people to believe, yet it is a reality. You are welcome to go through my closet to proof i'm not lying *LOL*) so, i tried to give her a benefit of the doubt. But she didn't deserve it *LOL*.


Another thing about her is, she always bring up her daughters after insulting people (my friend LL had a similar encounter with her WTF), it's like she's trying to praise/boast about her daughters (so that people would think that they're superior to them. WHY??? I don't feel like there's any competition with their bitches, and if there is... Well, they're going the f**k down) and diss other young women at the same time. I don't know if she does it consciously, but she does it enough time to brought it to attention to me. That is so weird and sad, sometimes the daughters would be around when she does all her crazy woman talk and they looked utterly embarrassed. I feel bad for them, but yeah, they should be embarrassed. 

Last Saturday was hunny and i's 7th wedding anniversary (LOVE ya, boo!), instead of spending it on a trio date with Baby Boy or something, we were stuck in the crazy old lady's house for a little family function (a birthday). I stayed the hell away from her, but ever since she learned about my parents' background, it's like she developed a woman crush to my mother and she keeps on cornering her! She talked (boasted) about various fantastical things to my mother, one thing led to another, first she complimented my mum on her slim body (my mum's a skinny lady with a big tum, a complete opposite on how her daughter's built WTF) then proceed to lecture her about working out when she found out that my mum never works out because she goes out with her friends everyday (true story).

My mum is very similar to me as in she becomes very uneasy and uncomfortable when people start badgering her, then she tried to change the subject and revert the attention to me (NOOOO MUMMYYYY WTHHHH!!!!!!). She pointed out that i do yoga, and i already knows what the crazy old lady would say next *LOL*. She said "Oh, for someone FAT like #Pink they shouldn't do yoga, they have to go for aerobics! Need to lose weight first, then do yoga." Then she goes ON and ON and ON in PUBLIC, in front of her speechless daughter *LOL*, cornering me about aerobic (coz again, my mum tried to come to my rescue by pointing out i do aerobics in the morning) after learning that i go to the same work out place (different classes, thank God WTF) as her. 

You might think i am overreacting and she might have a GOOD intention *LOL, i pissed my pants laughing thinking about this*. But like i said, every body has their insecurities. Mine is weight, and if she's not blind she can see that she's hitting the sore spot (of nothing then by my reaction of utter horror whenever she start talking about the same subject and flee as soon as possible), and yet she keeps on HITTING the spot (with glee). I cannot see any other possibility than her trying to humiliate me. In public. I'd still be uncomfortable if she does that in private, but at least i didn't have to face the pitying faces of others who were present!

Again, referring what i said earlier about how the full-of-criticism aunties seems to pick on someone who is moderately good looking (i am not complimenting myself here okay, but i can safely say that i am not ugly! LOL) and have a good life? The proof i have is, there are at least 10 people who are a lot bigger than me in that very room. One that was sitting just a few feet from her *LOL*. Those women don't dress up like me, and they don't wear make up or brings nice designer bags (again, i am not bragging. I am merely observing) and i conclude, that makes them to be a non-threat to her sick mind, and i AM. 

I wonder, how is is possible for that kind of people to think that it is OKAY to say mean things about someone's daughter/son to their mother? After all, i cannot imagine her reaction if my mum *who seemed to be as upset as me* start telling her that her daughter is UGLY? Or if she's stupid (if we want to avoid appearance bashing)? Or if i lost control of my own mouth and blurt out the first thing that came to my mind "But aunty, you're gaining so much weight yourself, shouldn't you be taking your own advise before start throwing it around like free candies?"-which would be unacceptable because defending myself (why the f**k do i need to defend myself???) would mean that i am petty and couldn't take criticism.

How is it that Asian society thinks it's okay to tell people you barely know in the face that "God, you're so fat" or "You need to lose weight", or "You're putting a weight!!!".  Trust me, it's not different than saying "God, you're so ugly". And is that considered normal to say that to other people??? Okay, i'm getting off track here because i am so damn annoyed hahaha.

Let's go back to the point : i think such people are really really toxic. People like her seems to feel good about herself only when she's belittling other people and make them feel bad about themselves. I know i know, you might say "Then don't let their words get to you!!!". It's never as easy as that though. What if people keeps on (gleefully) pointing at YOUR own insecurities, poking them and poking them and poking them?

Tell me about it

But i do think there are good things that such toxic people brings to my own growth. I learn never ever to say bad things about people's appearance to their face (oh, don't talk behind people's back kind of thing? I think it's bullshit most of the time, would you really rather people say to your face "God, you're the fugliest person i've ever seen in my entire life!!!!". WTF, i think people need to stop judging other people's appearance, full stop. Okay, that's not possible, but at least there's no need to make people feel bad about themselves!), always try to find positive things of others-and in general : keep on being a nonchalant person. LOL. Whether you gain weight, lose weight, or shave your head bald (okay, the last one would shock me if you're a woman) : I couldn't care less. It's not and NEVER will be my business.

I wish people would just treat me the way i treat them. Ignorance is better than ill-meaning, fake niceness. In fact, if you think you're being nice by telling me that i am fat, then you're need to get your head checked.  

This is an open letter to those toxic people all around me, i just want you to know that your words hurt and it's poisonous. Your words can cause a person who's profoundly happy in one minute to be a hapless of emotional wreck the next second. And for what? Why????? Why do you have to be cruel to be happy? You need to start finding other hobbies than pointing out other people's flaws! GET A F**KING LIFE!

Just think, one day your "victim" will not be able to just grin and take it anymore, they most probably would explode and it would not be pretty.

To my dear readers, i just want to give you a little reminder. Not everybody's created equal, what you may think is just a small, harmless joke (a little poke on their physical appearance here and there must be harmless, right? NOT!) can be daggers to their hearts. 

Next time you feel like joking using somebody else's bodily flaws, or make a small comment for a small talk, or genuinely just want to "help", think again. Think really really hard. What is your OWN insecurity? What if people make fun or stupid comments about them? How would that make YOU feel? then maybe you wouldn't be so quick to give out such unnecessary comments.

Remember, if you see me keeping to myself when you talk so much, you might cross the line with me. And i am restraining myself not to get back to you (because i have a very sharp tongue as well, one bad thing you say about me, i can give you back 10. i just am too polite to do so), so DON'T push it.

Do you have any similar (or not so similar) encounter with toxic people? Share your stories with me so i don't feel so alone in this (people like my hunny would go like "She's a crazy person! Why would you listen to crazy people??? It's not worth thinking about!" which doesn't help. At all).

Happy in her own skin

#Pink